Quite soon afterwards I began to have a state of great physical discomfort which at first I thought it was due to first day of my period and it was difficult for me to continue standing in this situation. I was having a quite intense physical pain mixed with a sickness. I simply had the feeling that I was about to collapse soon, so I used all my willpower, a super effort to stay on my feet. I felt that somewhere in the depths of my being a voice of conscience was telling me that it was very important to continue, that it was a purifying process and if I would get out of the spiral this process would diminish tremendously or even stop. Thus I was continually trying to convince myself to keep standing and to keep meditating in the spiral, and in those moments when it became very acute I was praying to God that I would be able to resist, I mean in those moments I can say that my aspiration was reduced to this: at least to resist until the end, even if I would not experience anything but that sick state.
And at a certain point I began to realize that that state of sickness was not so much a physical thing, that it was something deeper and that I was basically experiencing a form of suffering that was, so to speak, predominantly psycho-emotional. To help you understand my experience, I would like to tell you that I am at a stage in my life where I feel fulfilled from every possible human point of view, i.e. in relationships, professionally, in love, I have wonderful friends, I am doing very well from every point of view, so I did not come here with any frustration related to any human aspect of my life, on the contrary I feel that in the last few days in my life there has been a continuous overflow of fullness, of grace, of godly gifts, like a continuous feast, and yet this state appeared which I understood towards the end of this event, when I realised that the state of suffering I was experiencing was due to the fact that through a certain act of God, my whole karma of suffering which I still have and which is likely to manifest itself at some point was shown to me in a condensed way, and that the only, but absolutely the only possibility for this karma not to come to fruition at all is to reveal my Self.
That moment was absolutely shattering for me, especially since I have been very much concerned with awakening my soul in the last few months and even the steps I have taken in this direction I felt have freed me from a lot of suffering I was still experiencing in certain situations. I can tell you that in the last few months I find it hard to remember, maybe there were such small moments when I suffered for one reason or another. But if there were, they didn’t last very long, and even when I was faced with difficult external situations I didn’t really suffer anymore, I remained in a kind of inner peace that helped me approach those situations from another level. And yet now it was revealed to me that there was still the possibility of certain sufferings materialising, even in the form of physical ailments, illnesses, and that God was now drawing my attention to the fact that it was imperative that I take serious steps towards revealing the Self, which is absolutely the only chance to get out of such sufferings completely, and the possibility of any accumulated karma manifesting itself again. Even the awakening of the soul, which is an important step in spiritual evolution, is insufficient.
I had the feeling that I understood when this revelation first appeared to me, and then I felt again that that suffering was increasing, I was saying, “Lord, I beg you, I really don’t want to experience any more sufferance” and I felt that it was repeating itself to me at several moments, I was retreating through that suffering until I was again seeking to go deeper into my being towards the Self to realise that in fact I have until now always projected this ideal of Self-revelation somewhere in the future, in a continuous future. If someone asked me I would say, “Yes, of course I aspire to reveal my Self, it is the goal of my existence,” but now I have realized that never before have I thought that this aspect I can actually realize now in the present and even aspire with an extraordinary frenzy to realize it in the present. All along I have been pushing it into a continual future, but this attitude of mine prevents this realization and it is necessary that I really believe strongly that in the present I can realize this, as I have believed about other stages of spiritual evolution in directions where I have really achieved results.
In the stage of silent awareness a synthesis of the whole experience was made and I understood what God offered me on the occasion of this very special event. I want to tell you that at that moment I no longer had any uncomfortable physical sensation that would not allow me to remain standing on the spiral, i.e. I still had a slight but negligible embarrassment that would never have prevented me from carrying out my normal activity. Basically now what was particularly jarring and gave me much of the spiral the feeling that I physically couldn’t stand it anymore was precisely what had somehow been brought out: ‘Look, these are the alternatives. Pick what you want.” I mean I felt that God gives me total freedom to choose, it’s up to me whether I want to reveal my Self, or I want to live as I have been living, or I want to evolve more slowly, but somehow God was telling me: “Look, I really want you to make an informed choice and do what you want.”
In the stage of expressing gratitude I felt each word of gratitude producing a very deep vibration in my heart and I felt then that God wants with great ardour for me to realize who I really am, just as He created me. I now return for a moment to the experience during the music spiral. At that time I felt that until I reveal my Self, practically I don’t really exist, that is to say I have the feeling that I live a life that is not really a life, it is a kind of sleep, a beautiful dream, I admit that at the moment my life from a human point of view is very beautiful, but I realized that it is still a sleep and that I can really exist as God wanted me to be only if I reveal my Self.
Thank you, Grieg, for intermediating this exceptional manifestation for us. And I thank you all for listening to me.
A.G., year 29, Bucharest